The reason why I would like to revisit the debate between "love marriages" and "arranged marriages", is because of my discovery of another Indian truth. It is not the debate between "love" and "arranged", rather it is between within caste and inter-caste. At the end everything boils down to so called "caste". No one knows the benefit of within-caste marriage, but still follow it like a divine order, as if their forefathers are watching them from the heavens. Dare not go against our set standards, or else, I will see you in heaven. Is it because of some unknown fear or because nobody wants to think differently, still remains the big unanswered question.
But because of this unsaid rule, it is we who have to suffer.. The new generation, who somehow can not accept the paradigms have to cope up with the side effects, just to see their parents happy. One marries someone just to make their parents and grandparents elated. Of course, it is every child's duty to make their parents happy. They have made lot of sacrifices and compromises just to enable us to live a better life than they had. Hats off to all parents (Dil se). I am not advising or asking all the youngsters to rebel. I am just putting forward the dilemma in which these youngsters get into. This dilemma has no quick fix solution, or no solution to be more accurate. We have to suffer, we are destined to accept things we don't like, for the sake of the so called society.
To explain the troubles that one can get into if one is bound into the unsaid rules, let me give some real life scenarios. A guy/girl, when grows up, gets a picture of his/her near future like better education and sufficient money (again money is never sufficient, but that's another philosophical topic) and only then a good life partner. He/she might have made a mental plan as to when and how to achieve those, but alas, he/she was not even aware of the plans their parents (in other words, the society standards) had made. His/her plans conflict with theirs and life goes into chaos. After the chaos is temporarily sorted by mutual disagreements and compromises, he/she is shown the list of potential spouses (mind you, this list has been achieved through years of hard work, discussions, bargaining,. negotiations and more strangely, the person not being aware of the whole process).
So what should the person’s reaction be?????
The answer is not easy. The person realizes the hard work spent for that remarkable feat, hence cannot reject those right away, in fear of hurting sentiments and emotions (Emotions and sentiments are the words that I strongly hate, just because they become the biggest obstacles in any person’s life). If that was not enough to create a total dilemma in the person’s mind, he/she is indirectly threatened by saying that if they miss this chance, there is very less probability that they will get another man/woman of such caliber.
Suddenly, all the high aspirations and dreams of the person are shattered to the ground. His/her expectations of his/her partner are put to a toss. He/she has to make a decision quick enough (in other words, accept the parents decision)…….or else, god knows, what may happen!!! The world might end….
Why didn’t the LHC(The Large Hadron Collider) fail and create a black hole to end the universe? At least the dilemma would end.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Why the "other guy" has a girlfriend?
Everybody in the world has different physical and behavourial characteristics. Some are fat, some are short, some are dark.Some can sing well, some can dance perfectly, some are intelligent whereas some are strong and well built. One can enlist lots of such traits and features. Everyone tries to achieve what they don't have. And they always wish something like "I wish i were taller", "I wish I were fair",etc.
One can broadly categorize these characteristics int two parts:appearance related and behaviour related.
Of these, behaviour related things can be improved by attending several classes and constant learning.But changing physical features is much more difficult and costly.Hence people develop a constant inferiority complex in themselves.This complex is very often reflected in guys who don't have girlfriends.
Let me list out the possible thoughts running across several such "Singles".
A dark-complexioned guy: I wish I were fairer. Girls would have been simply attracted to me.
A fair-complexioned guy but of short-height : Only if I weren't shorter,I would not have been rejected by her.
A fair, tall guy but not muscular: I wish I had those shoulders and biceps. Girls would have definitely fallen.
A fair,tall, well built guy but not intelligent: Girls like intelligent guys, not a dumb person like me.
A fair,tall, well built and intelligent, but not rich: If I had money, I could have won any girl by gifts and treats.
A fair,tall, well built,intelligent and from rich family background: I have everything, but these girls love my money, my appearance. How do I know which one of these will love me truly? I wish I did not have so many things.
If you are still not convinced with the above statements, you may watch the movie "Bedazzled".
One can broadly categorize these characteristics int two parts:appearance related and behaviour related.
Of these, behaviour related things can be improved by attending several classes and constant learning.But changing physical features is much more difficult and costly.Hence people develop a constant inferiority complex in themselves.This complex is very often reflected in guys who don't have girlfriends.
Let me list out the possible thoughts running across several such "Singles".
A dark-complexioned guy: I wish I were fairer. Girls would have been simply attracted to me.
A fair-complexioned guy but of short-height : Only if I weren't shorter,I would not have been rejected by her.
A fair, tall guy but not muscular: I wish I had those shoulders and biceps. Girls would have definitely fallen.
A fair,tall, well built guy but not intelligent: Girls like intelligent guys, not a dumb person like me.
A fair,tall, well built and intelligent, but not rich: If I had money, I could have won any girl by gifts and treats.
A fair,tall, well built,intelligent and from rich family background: I have everything, but these girls love my money, my appearance. How do I know which one of these will love me truly? I wish I did not have so many things.
If you are still not convinced with the above statements, you may watch the movie "Bedazzled".
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The real meaning of friendship
Do you have a best friend?
True friends are rare. I say they do not exist. The only friends that you can have is your pets.
Just to explain my above statements, I will start off with the definition of friendship.
Friendship is a symbiotic relationship between two humans that exists as long as there is the need for the friendship. It is like a barter system where you exchange favours and expect them in return for your services.
Friendship is always selfish in nature. The only selfless friendship that can exist is between blood relationships. There is always a bit of self interest involved in any friendship.
Another thing that I should say is that the geographical distance between two "friends" matters a lot in deciding their extent of friendship. If two persons stay together, then they will have lot of disagreements, arguments and there will be practically no friendship. They will even start disliking each others actions and movements.
Consider another instance. If two persons who were close friends at some point of time have to separate, then their friendship will gradually lose that intimacy and after a period of time, it will be reduced to just an exchange of "Hi! How life" over emails once in a week or month. So, at any given point of time, virtually a person will never have the so called "true friend".
In this world, only money speaks. No one does anything for the other out of pure love or friendship. He/She does it only for the sake of getting back some favour one day. If he/she doesn’t get those expected favours, he/she feels disappointed.
Many youngsters who start going to colleges or stay away from home, look for a long lasting friendship with others, with whom they can share their fun, sorrows, jokes, etc. they want someone to whom they can trust their secrets. They need someone who can care for them, help them in all situations, etc. They start examining and evaluating others in their neighbourhood and start helping others so as to gain their attention and to find a friend. But very often, they are disappointed when they find that the friend they had trusted, turns hostile, or falls below their expectation in returning the favours. Sometimes this mistrust happens instantly and sometimes it may take lot of time. That is the reason why these poor chaps find themselves shifting from one friend to another, getting disappointed everywhere. They lose faith in others and start suspecting everything in the world. In some cases, it can go to extreme levels where they become a total skeptic of any guy/girl that they meet or who talks in a sweet manner.
I have some advice for all these heartbroken and disappointed students. I want them to know the meaning of friendship that I have stated before. First of all, do not have any expectation from anyone. Just remember that the person with you at the moment is the closest to you and is your friend. Just behave well with him and that's all. Expecting the same behaviour might result in a disappointment. And one should be careful to draw the line of trust between friends. One should not trust too much or reveal too many secrets to their pals.
If one wants to make friendship, one should create the need for him/her to the other person. For example, one can have the knowledge of some subjects that the other may not have and thus help him/her before exams. One can get the friends through money. One can have a good taste in shopping and thus have a demand for him/her during shopping. One can crack lot of jokes and make the conversation lively, thus pulling the other person. These all trivial things help you to avoid being alone and will always have someone with you. But again don’t make the mistake of conferring him/her as the status of a true friend. Friends exist as long as the demand exists. If you want someone to roam with you, you should have enough things with you to avoid getting the person bored.
Sometimes, rarely, it may happen that the friend becomes a true and ideal friend. But that is only the exception and not the rule. It might come as a bonus, when you don’t expect it.
True friends are rare. I say they do not exist. The only friends that you can have is your pets.
Just to explain my above statements, I will start off with the definition of friendship.
Friendship is a symbiotic relationship between two humans that exists as long as there is the need for the friendship. It is like a barter system where you exchange favours and expect them in return for your services.
Friendship is always selfish in nature. The only selfless friendship that can exist is between blood relationships. There is always a bit of self interest involved in any friendship.
Another thing that I should say is that the geographical distance between two "friends" matters a lot in deciding their extent of friendship. If two persons stay together, then they will have lot of disagreements, arguments and there will be practically no friendship. They will even start disliking each others actions and movements.
Consider another instance. If two persons who were close friends at some point of time have to separate, then their friendship will gradually lose that intimacy and after a period of time, it will be reduced to just an exchange of "Hi! How life" over emails once in a week or month. So, at any given point of time, virtually a person will never have the so called "true friend".
In this world, only money speaks. No one does anything for the other out of pure love or friendship. He/She does it only for the sake of getting back some favour one day. If he/she doesn’t get those expected favours, he/she feels disappointed.
Many youngsters who start going to colleges or stay away from home, look for a long lasting friendship with others, with whom they can share their fun, sorrows, jokes, etc. they want someone to whom they can trust their secrets. They need someone who can care for them, help them in all situations, etc. They start examining and evaluating others in their neighbourhood and start helping others so as to gain their attention and to find a friend. But very often, they are disappointed when they find that the friend they had trusted, turns hostile, or falls below their expectation in returning the favours. Sometimes this mistrust happens instantly and sometimes it may take lot of time. That is the reason why these poor chaps find themselves shifting from one friend to another, getting disappointed everywhere. They lose faith in others and start suspecting everything in the world. In some cases, it can go to extreme levels where they become a total skeptic of any guy/girl that they meet or who talks in a sweet manner.
I have some advice for all these heartbroken and disappointed students. I want them to know the meaning of friendship that I have stated before. First of all, do not have any expectation from anyone. Just remember that the person with you at the moment is the closest to you and is your friend. Just behave well with him and that's all. Expecting the same behaviour might result in a disappointment. And one should be careful to draw the line of trust between friends. One should not trust too much or reveal too many secrets to their pals.
If one wants to make friendship, one should create the need for him/her to the other person. For example, one can have the knowledge of some subjects that the other may not have and thus help him/her before exams. One can get the friends through money. One can have a good taste in shopping and thus have a demand for him/her during shopping. One can crack lot of jokes and make the conversation lively, thus pulling the other person. These all trivial things help you to avoid being alone and will always have someone with you. But again don’t make the mistake of conferring him/her as the status of a true friend. Friends exist as long as the demand exists. If you want someone to roam with you, you should have enough things with you to avoid getting the person bored.
Sometimes, rarely, it may happen that the friend becomes a true and ideal friend. But that is only the exception and not the rule. It might come as a bonus, when you don’t expect it.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Our society's biggest hypocrisy
Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage
I have always ignored this topic for so long, but now i cant resist it anymore.I want to share my opinion. Don't ask me the reasons. (In fact there aren't any other than to add another post)
Since my school days, i have often come across debates,discussions, articles that always argued one form of marriage against the other. They mention various advantages and disadvantages, citing various instances from somebody's lives and so on. Some people even mention a third hybrid form of marriage---love cum arranged---where both take place. I have never understood why this argument finds place only in India whereas it is unheard of in Western countries. If there is any serious advantage of arranged marriage (as many say), then why it is not followed in other countries? You might argue India is a traditional country and its traditional beliefs still looks towards 'love before marriage' as taboo. But why only in terms of marriage and love, does tradition comes into picture? Where does our tradition go when it comes to Western education? Everybody wants their kids to have Western education, but when it comes to marriage, they resort to India/Indians.
I have finally discovered the answer.The simple reason is caste/religion. Having arranged marriage ensures that people of same caste are married. It is just a measure to allow caste to continue because some very orthodox people feared that their caste may get extinct if love marriages were allowed. They feared that their ethnicity would get lost. They were afraid of the dilution of their race,religion and culture.
People still look at other caste/religion people with distrust and suspicion.But let me tell them that in this world, only money speaks and no religion or caste. Money can bring betrayal even within the same caste or religion.
The other reason for arranged marriage is dowry. Believe me, dowry is still very much silently functional in many parts of India. I am not going to stress more on this, because it exists. Our society people try to mask the above inner reasons by the excuse that arranged marriages ensure life long happiness as the parents scrutinize the bride/groom for everything ranging from physical appearance to financial security. If all these things are okay, the couple to be married will live happily ever after....Do they???They force the husband to love his wife by social pressure. How does love/arranged decide if you are going to live happily ever after...does anybody have a future looking glass?
If arranged marriages mean some elders get to decide the partner, then even in love marriage , the guy/girls chooses his/her spouse. Aren't they grown enough or mature enough? People say the student has to decide what he wants to become? which subjects to choose? which career path to follow. Likewise there are many big decisions in a student's life that the society feels that the student should do it himself/herself and the elders/guardians should not force/coerce their choice, because it is the student who has to study and the subjects/profession should interest him/her. Fair enough, Agreed!!Can I ask why do they make exception in terms of marriage? Why not let the person choose his/her life partner in a manner similar to choosing his/her career/profession? Our elders trust our education system in making us successful in life. They remain silent throughout the education of the child but suddenly they jump and interfere when it comes to finding the match. What happened to their trust in education?
This is our society's biggest hypocrisy.
I have always ignored this topic for so long, but now i cant resist it anymore.I want to share my opinion. Don't ask me the reasons. (In fact there aren't any other than to add another post)
Since my school days, i have often come across debates,discussions, articles that always argued one form of marriage against the other. They mention various advantages and disadvantages, citing various instances from somebody's lives and so on. Some people even mention a third hybrid form of marriage---love cum arranged---where both take place. I have never understood why this argument finds place only in India whereas it is unheard of in Western countries. If there is any serious advantage of arranged marriage (as many say), then why it is not followed in other countries? You might argue India is a traditional country and its traditional beliefs still looks towards 'love before marriage' as taboo. But why only in terms of marriage and love, does tradition comes into picture? Where does our tradition go when it comes to Western education? Everybody wants their kids to have Western education, but when it comes to marriage, they resort to India/Indians.
I have finally discovered the answer.The simple reason is caste/religion. Having arranged marriage ensures that people of same caste are married. It is just a measure to allow caste to continue because some very orthodox people feared that their caste may get extinct if love marriages were allowed. They feared that their ethnicity would get lost. They were afraid of the dilution of their race,religion and culture.
People still look at other caste/religion people with distrust and suspicion.But let me tell them that in this world, only money speaks and no religion or caste. Money can bring betrayal even within the same caste or religion.
The other reason for arranged marriage is dowry. Believe me, dowry is still very much silently functional in many parts of India. I am not going to stress more on this, because it exists. Our society people try to mask the above inner reasons by the excuse that arranged marriages ensure life long happiness as the parents scrutinize the bride/groom for everything ranging from physical appearance to financial security. If all these things are okay, the couple to be married will live happily ever after....Do they???They force the husband to love his wife by social pressure. How does love/arranged decide if you are going to live happily ever after...does anybody have a future looking glass?
If arranged marriages mean some elders get to decide the partner, then even in love marriage , the guy/girls chooses his/her spouse. Aren't they grown enough or mature enough? People say the student has to decide what he wants to become? which subjects to choose? which career path to follow. Likewise there are many big decisions in a student's life that the society feels that the student should do it himself/herself and the elders/guardians should not force/coerce their choice, because it is the student who has to study and the subjects/profession should interest him/her. Fair enough, Agreed!!Can I ask why do they make exception in terms of marriage? Why not let the person choose his/her life partner in a manner similar to choosing his/her career/profession? Our elders trust our education system in making us successful in life. They remain silent throughout the education of the child but suddenly they jump and interfere when it comes to finding the match. What happened to their trust in education?
This is our society's biggest hypocrisy.
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