Not me OR New Me Part 2

 Last 2 months have been a really gruesome and arduous journey for me, albeit an emotional one.

I have discovered myself, lost myself and re-discovered myself and each time, there has been learnings. And hence, today I decided to pen it down.

After a long tussle of emotions, battle between heart and mind, finally, it appears mind has emerged victorious. The bigger question is 1) is it really worth the victory, considering the collateral damage ? 2) is it really a victory, and if it is, why aren't you celebrating?

When a man is born in this world, everything is very simple and basic and fundamental...and it is well known to all, then the same man has created complexities everywhere, by designing rules to tame the heart. He is also aware that heart is also his strength and at times, if he realizes full potential of heart, he can actually move the mountains.. But sadly, to follow the heart, requires not only unconventional thinking, but also unconventional actions. And hence, out of cowardice, hidden under the disguise of practical wisdom, he doesnot dare. He stays within the boundary created by his mind...As that is the "right" thing to do.

And i have been actually experimenting for some time now, by unleashing my heart and letting it go a but out of control, just to witness the new life. Indeed, it was pure pleasure, very comforting, very soothing and very natural...But all good things come to an end...and this is where, my mind which was gleefully, watching the heart unleash its magic and taking control of my body, sprung into action, the moment, it discovered a chink in the armour. My heart didnt give up so easily, it put up the best fight ever fought, in my history. 

Midway, my heart realized the futility of this battle, as it understood, that this was not a real battle between heart or mind..but rather a fight between 2 minds..One mind that stops you from undertakinng adventures And the other New mind, that allows you to relax, take vacations, make mistakes, correct them, make new mistakes, experiments and goes for little transformation of character, etc. Heart was just a scapegoat for my new mind. Hence, heart allowed itself to be defeated by New mind, because actually, the New Mind was more like the Heart itself.

There is real peace here...this "New Me" is not afraid of making mistakes, it knows that life can not be too formal and there is no Life playbook here. And more importantly, this New Me can not hurt me, but rather protect me

Battle won and lost

Here ends a long fought battle. Can we call it a battle? The peculiar thing about this is that I ain’t sure whether this was a battle in the first place and secondly I am not able to figure out who the winner is. Has the battle served its purpose? What was the purpose? Sometimes, it was not even clear who the participants were. Were there more than two sides? Which side was I on? Or was it just me fighting it against myself. Who were my supporters? Were there any traitors? 

The battle was fought without an aim or a strategy.There was no artillery or cavalry. The only sign of a battle having taken place was the damages that could be seen. The debris scattered around were the sole witness of the war. But, still it was difficult to ascertain the extent of damages or to find out which side the damages were more. Since, this wasn’t a normal battle, I kept wondering about the rules of the game. Would normal rules apply here? Or should I twist the rules or as they say “Change the game”.

For the moment,I don’t see any enemies’ flags. I can’t sight any approaching units. No sound of bugle or horns. Not even the typical “Get ready” or “Fire” commands. Have the enemies retreated? Does it mean our victory or rather, my victory? Or are they devising Trojan type strategy and will make a comeback? Should I let my guard down and relax?Or should I enjoy the peace, even though it might be momentary.

May be there was no battle at all. It was just hallucination, a dream or perhaps it was the lack of any battle that made me imagine everything. Was it a subconscious effort to fill the void? We all love to be occupied with something. If we don’t find anything, we desperately attempt to create an illusion of being full and thus ending up filling garbage.

My thoughts kept pondering over the way battles have been fought in our history and mythology. Did the heroes that emerged victorious also have the same feeling? Did they really feel ecstatic after the war? What did they do immediately after winning? Did they go back to the kins of the defeated and offered their condolences. Or was there a feeling of repent? It is of no use to compare this situation to others. This time is different. Perhaps it’s time to think beyond. Instead of being burdened by morality, it is time to go ahead and take the next step.

Savage Slitherers

I look around in the corner.

They are there, lying around, the slender and long black shapes, curled, twisted and entangled. Some are thin whereas some are thicker. It looks as if they are moving but close observation indicates they are lying still. Waiting to make a move!  What are these objects thinking? What are they waiting for? How long have been lying there?

Let me count how many are there. One, two...Oh! It’s difficult to count exactly, since I am not able to figure out the starting and the ending. Their ends seemed to be lost in the criss-cross. Their bodies are intertwined and it is impossible to separate one entity. What if they all wake up from their dream and start slithering all over here?

Long back, in my childhood I used to be scared of these creatures. In my town and villages, near the creek, I often used to spot them. Some of them even came close to my house during the rainy season.  This is the one creature that creates the maximum terror amongst us till date. Also, our movies and the stories have over hyped the terror. We are known for the land of the snakes. Perhaps that’s why I still accept snake sightings in streets as normal and just pass it off during conversation. But I must bet, I am still as much afraid of them as an American or a European.

Living now in a popular metro and in a posh area, the snakes are no more seen and I can safely walk the corners of my house, even without bothering to switch on the lights. I am not scared to look at any remote corner of my house or beneath the door. But still, the fear has not subsided.

They still haunt my dreams. They chase me there, almost catching me helpless. Often, I wake up in shock thanking God that it was only a dream. Every rope, pipe or wire that I observe in my room closely starts moving and approaching towards me. Which is why when today, I started observing the scattered network of wires from my laptop, charger, headphones, LAN wires, I was reminded of them.

They were all huddles together in the corner. The more I looked at them, the closer they resembled the creatures. Centuries ago, God created the snakes to scare its enemies. Today, we have these man-made snakes which do not hiss or slither, but can do the damages to the same extent, if not more. Perhaps, these are the real snakes and are more lethal. We must be cautious.

The last arrow

The last arrow in the quiver goes away. This arrow was hidden.  Even though I knew, it was safely tucked somewhere. However hard I tried to look for it, it couldn’t be found.  Somehow, the arrow eluded me. But I was certain, the day would come and when this arrow would be discovered. And I kept waiting for it.  Even though the quiver was empty, I didn’t throw it away in anticipation of the last one. The quiver was constantly on my back all the while. It had become a baggage, rather. I had often dreamt of it only to wake up finding it empty. I needed the last arrow badly to try one last shot. All the previous arrows had missed the bull’s eye. My hope solely rested on the last one. As time passed, I became more and more convinced that this one would be the saviour. This one would finish up the pending work.

And the time came, the arrow suddenly appeared. It looked silent and innocuous as if it was in the quiver all the time. But I can swear, I hadn’t seen or felt it before. It was mocking at me. But, this was not a time to blame. I had to take my last try. With trembling hands, I straightened the bow, put on the arrow and tightened the string. 

Looking at the arrow, I asked myself. What if, this also misses the point? The arrow, which was missing all this time would again vanish in a moment. Why not just keep the arrow and avoid facing the truth? Atleast, the last hope wouldn’t die. Why did the arrow make me wait just to disappear again and this time never to return? 

I closed my eyes. Perhaps, it wasn’t meant to be.  Every arrow is different and every arrow has its own course. Every arrow has its own target and is different from the target we choose for them. The path laid for them has to be traversed by the arrow alone. Perhaps, it was time to let the arrow go and dump the quiver. I would feel lighter. The quiver started feeling heavier. I couldn’t bear it. 

I opened my eyes. The world looked different. It was all new. Encouraged, I took the aim and shot the arrow.

Reaching the “Break-even” point

Today morning, when I woke up, it was a different feeling. Unlike other days, I felt neutral. I did not feel any emotional attachment to my past days or towards my previous lifestyle. The feeling of change had suddenly disappeared.

The transition was a big one as in the days following the change; I was a person fighting with myself, struggling with the unknown. The fight was between a student and a salaried individual. It was the differences between a young, unknown college and an established reputed college where an engineering graduate tried to master the “master” courses . It was the transition from Bangalore to Mumbai, shifting from being a flat tenant to a hosteller.

It was the change that I had been disliking since. I had been trying to somehow compensate the negative feeling of the transition with the fond memories of the past, hoping that this change is just a short break and the past would again come back with a U-turn. 

I had tried to count the days and got happier with each passing minute hoping that the two years would end sooner. Three months have gone so far and to me it seems like 2 years.  But today morning, I did not feel any such kind of disappointment or frustration. I simple felt calm, as if I had been in this life style for years. I no more missed the Sunday wherein I would lazily spend away time sleeping and relaxing.  Perhaps I thought, this new feeling is just a hallucination and would quickly go away as the day progresses and I would soon return to “normalcy”. But the “normal” feeling never came, leading me to the surprising conclusion that there has been a change yet again.

I knew the change would eventually come but never knew that it could happen overnight without any warning.

 Ok, now that the break even point has been reached, LET’S RUN THE RACE!!

Wrong Judgement

What is the one thing that we human beings keep doing all throughout our life?

We try to pretend as someone else.

We are never happy with ourselves. We always look out for other examples. Every minute, every second, we want to be someone else. We imitate someone all the time, both consciously and unconsciously. The reason for that is put below.

Everyone has an idol in their minds. That idol can be someone in their family, or some celebrity or just some fictitious person who possesses all the qualities and characteristics that they want their idol to have. All throughout their life, they want to get closer to that character. Hence, they talk like the idol, they laugh like the person, they walk, eat like him/her and in fact their every activity tries to imitate that of the idol.

Let’s analyze this hypocrisy from a different angle. Everyone behaves differently at different places. For example, a guy would try to behave like a romantic and loving husband to his wife, a strict and yet loving father to his children, a good, practical and professional at his office. Everyone have their different “spaces” and they adapt to that situation when they switch “spaces”. Hence the quick differences in behavior. The same guy might appear to be very strict at office, yet very compromising when it comes to family matters. The same girl might give the impression of being a very jovial person among friends but at work, she might act as a workaholic. Whenever strangers meet each other on a train, they all put up their best behavior and appear to be very decent and disciplined, which might be very different from their behavior in a familiar group of people.

Now that we have seen that human behavior is never constant and it constantly meanders between the different types of characters possible, the question is, what is the true character of a person? By looking at one face of the person, should one have the liberty to judge him/her? Now that it is proved that everyone constantly fakes their behavior, how does an outsider know which one is the real character?

In this world where we are constantly judged by the society, we live in the constant fear that we are being judged. And on top of that, there is the additional fear that we are being judged for the wrong type. To give an analogy, it’s something like we hate to be tested when we are not ready for the test and that too, when the test is for a different subject itself. It is because of this innermost fear that we, unconsciously, project ourselves as someone else, whom we think would get more score in the exam conducted by the society. Hence, we do not get, even one moment, when we are “unwatched” and we can enjoy the joy and the freedom of being ourselves.

We work so hard , we use all our spare time to get more money and during the process we lose the time to be ourselves and we keep masquerading as the fictitious, wannabe person, who is constantly fighting with the innermost true and realistic person.

GOLDEN MOMENTS

“I can’t find my red shirt”, “Should I wear my black jacket?”, “Hurry up! We are getting late”. These were the common conversations that used to occur in those days when the entire family used to get dressed up for a family photograph. After getting ready, they go to the nearby local studio. At the studio, they are asked to wait for their turn as some other clever family has already sneaked in before them. As they wait, they observe the photos of celebrities adorning the table and the walls of the studio. When their turn eventually comes, they rush inside hastily. 

Inside the studio, the family waits impatiently for the photographer to adjust the background and the lightings. The photographer struggles to fit all of them in one frame. After a long time (which seems like eternity for the family) of adjusting with the camera sets and the lights and the people expressions, etc, he says “Say cheese”. Everyone, on the opposite side of the camera, gets nervous as the ultimate moment draws closer and CLICK. A blinding flash and everything is over. The family doesn’t realize it’s over and wants to linger for some more time in the same position, not ready to believe that the shoot is over. Some how there is a feeling that some thing might not have been correct. Hence, the request of “Once more”. The camera man finally takes one more shot, not to mention all the hassles of repeating the tiring steps all over and once more CLICK and flash, much to the satisfaction of the people who are photographed. 

The head of the family pays the studio person and highlights that the print should be good and after getting assurance that the photo would come out well, leaves the studio. In those days, since the photos used to be developed out of the negatives, the whole processing used to take 3 days. Nevertheless, during this waiting period, both adults and children used to be equally excited at the thought of looking at the photos when they come. 
When the photos finally arrive, the whole family, filled with both excitement and suspense, huddles together. The head of the family takes time to take out the photo from its envelope, handing it delicately, demonstrating to the kids how to handle the sensitive paper. The photos get passed around and everyone gets to handle them but with the strict advice that it should be touched only at the edges. During this time, it is not unusual to hear sentences like “How come my eyes are closed?”, “I look darker in the pic”, “My face didn’t get enough light”, “He didn’t shoot properly”, “Next time we will go to the other shop, who takes better photos”, etc. Finally the photos are very carefully put in a family album which is stashed away in a secure place in the corner of the house. 

Compare this 3-day ordeal and drama to the 3-second snap of the digicam’s era. The digicams today enable one to preview the shoot, then shoot. If it goes wrong, re-shoot. Today is the world of instant photography. One doesn’t need to be extra cautious, any more, while shooting. It is the world of “Click and Forget” and one is able to view the photo immediately. The long wait of excitement has now gone away. The nostalgia associated with the feel of touching the paper photos and the memorabilia attached to the bulky albums is now reduced to mere soft copies on some laptop.

Seeing all this, I couldn’t stop myself from asking the questions “Have the role of photo- studios declined?”, “Do people still need professional photographers in this era of Digital Imaging? Would the computers kill away the art and the emotions associated with human photography?”

If I am correct, shouldn’t the studios be at loss, these days? But they are not, atleast not in India. I realized that the importance of studios will still continue. Primary reason is that in India, the role of studio becomes very much essential during arranged marriages. Still today, the exchange of photos of the grooms and brides between both the families is the traditional first step for the marriage. The photos enable them to make the first level of filtering. Hence the need for a professional photographer who uses up all his imagination and photography tricks to cover up the physical abnormalities like “dark”, “bald”, “skinny”, “fat” ,etc and projects a rosy appearance of the individual. Even throughout the wedding ceremony, the photographers and the videographers are very much in demand. 

As long as marriage is considered an institution, the photographers can feel take solace in the fact that their jobs are not going to be taken away by any type of revolution in technology. Rather, the technology would only assist them.

Having said all these, whichever course, the photography takes, one thing is sure that we will miss those old golden moments of photography.

Question and Answer

Waiting for the answer!! And finally the wait is over. I have got my answer. How lucky am I? Are you jealous that I found the answer to my long awaited question.

A question that has been pending long ago in my heart. A question that used to bubble up whenever a slight hope of answer seemed to be near. A question that kept my heart and mind debating with each other about the probable answer all the time. A question that made my heart heavy each time the answer eluded the poor heart like a tangent. It comes close enough just to miss it as if it was all planned. The question had planned to torture me. It had conspired to keep me entangled in the tentacles of emotions. It never wanted to liberate me from the shackles of sentiments. I was held as a captive within myself. It played with me, teased me like a monkey in the circus being allured to food.Yes, it knew that I was hungry. And thus had used my hunger to make me a joker in front of myself.

The search for the ultimate answer had started ruining me from inside. The worst part of it was that I knew that I was becoming hollow from within. And even worse was that I didn't want to stop the search. So the quest had continued. When the rest of the world did their job and lived happily, I was running hither and thither, spying, tracking and continuing my futile search. The hunt had led me to A deep tunnel with the hope of light at the other end. And I went deeper and deeper and still deeper, to a point of no return. I was stuck. And I could hear the question mocking at me from outside of the tunnel. Was the mock of the question a hint that I should give up? But I didn't heed the warning because I had wanted to fight. I wanted to challenge all the questions with my own answers. I did try to break the tunnel, but the tunnel was strong and the mocking grew louder with each attempt to destroy the pattern of tunnel . Finally I had given up.

I lay in the dark, alone. I didn't get sleep. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I felt that the answer was near. I wasn't waiting now. I wasn't searching anywhere else. My instincts told me that this night the answer would find me. It is the sixth sense that tells you that today is the day. You will get all your answers today. The bubbles would stop. The sadness would be wiped out from your face. There would be peace and ultimately, calmness would prevail over your heart. You will get a good sleep. You will feel lighter and free. You would be freed from all the bonds of miseries. You will get peace on this planet. You will be independent.

Atleast that's what I had thought. I wish I had never known the answer.

Stony Story

DISCLAIMER: This is entirely a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any character, living or non-living is purely coincidental.

There was a stone. Let’s call him Bonnie. Bonnie used to live with the Trees. He enjoyed being under the shade of the big trees. He played with the other stones that use to gather around the trees. There was a River that flew beside the trees. Bonnie liked the charm of the River. He was mesmerized by her snow white colour. He liked her agility and determination. She was his inspiration and motivation. But he never said about it to anyone. All were happy and life seemed perfect. Bonnie gradually became bigger and powerful in size.

Then, one day, from nowhere, suddenly the Wind blew. The River was told by the Wind that she was destined to become great and powerful like the Sea. The only way to achieve that was by becoming the Sea itself. This would be possible only if the River moves on towards the Sea and blend with it. The River, being greatly inspired by the Wind, decided to achieve something more in her life. After all, she couldn’t afford to waste her life by just languishing there in the forest.

Needless to say that the stone was shocked and shattered, when he heard about it from the Wind. He kept his grief to himself. He didn’t try to stop the River, nor did he ask the Wind to persuade her to stay. Instead, he just followed her, as far as he could. He tried to get all the details relevant to the River and the Sea. During this course, he got corroded and washed away and his size reduced. Chasing, he went far ahead from the stones and the trees. Chase seemed to be the only thing in his mind. But the River became swifter and outran the stones and Bonnie. Bonnie, being unable to control his feelings, sobbed. Nobody but the Wind noticed it. But it was too late. Bonnie, returned back to the trees and quietly climbed to the top and jumped off in the River. The Wind stopped blowing. The trees stopped moving. There was silence all around.

The River was too busy to notice all this. It finally reached the Sea and blended into it. It became powerful, strong and larger, just the way she had dreamt of. But she also became darker, brackish and rough. When the river looked around, there were no trees, no stones and no Bonnie. She was isolated. The Sea seemed so enormous, and at the same time so lonely and empty. Was this what she had craved for? She didn’t need anyone but still wished there was someone, with whom she could share her happiness and success. Even the Wind had stopped. She started realizing all the things that she had missed and ignored in the past. Seeing the cold and unfriendly boulders in the ocean, she was reminded of those stones of the past. Oh!! There were several stones in her life and she hadn’t spent enough time with anyone. Out of them, there was one that wasn’t merely a stone. It was a diamond. She longed for the diamond, now.

Today, when one goes for a stroll near the coast of the Sea and concentrates enough, one can hear the waling voice of the River, amidst the noisy sea waves. Every evening, the River sings:

My Bonnie lies over the ocean
My Bonnie lies over the sea
My Bonnie lies over the ocean
Oh bring back my bonnie to me

Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me, to me
Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me

Oh blow ye the winds o'er the ocean
And blow ye the winds o'er the sea
Oh blow ye the winds o'er the ocean
And bring back my Bonnie to me

Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me, to me
Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me

The winds have blown over the ocean
The winds have blown over the sea
The winds have blown over the ocean
And brought back my Bonnie to me

Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me, to me
Bring back, bring back
Bring back my Bonnie to me