The belief

How does it feel when you see evidence of something that your heart has always been denying?

How does it feel when all the intelligence points to something but you still hope for some more cues against it?

How does it feel when you knew the future but somehow something deep inside told you this time it will be different?

How does it feel when you got the very outcome you wanted but still not elated on getting the prize?

How does it feel when the special moments that you had cherished which you knew were temporary are actually something that you now want to forget?

How does it feel when you recall that you had options but never exercised those ?

How does it feel that even today you have the same option but are confused if you should do it?

How does it feel when the burden of not doing enough is no more there ?

How does it feel when you are afraid that it might still not end completely?

How does it feel when you have lost all the leverage for good?

How does it feel to feel very very scared of your upcoming birthday?

How does it feel when your patience has finally run its course ?

How does it feel when the end that you had anticipated/expected/ desired is here but not ready to accept it?

How does it feel when the closure is imminent?

How does it feel when you say to yourself -not again?

How does it feel when your belief in everything can be questioned in a way your mind already warned about but heart didn't accept it?

The belief has finished its purpose and now let it go. 

Slow ending?

 I knew it had an expiry. In fact that was the beauty, that it wasn’t meant to be permanent. And that was the real charm that there wouldn’t be anything permanent or any irreversible damage. This was meant only to be lived till it lasted. And the obvious ending was known. But deep inside a thought lingered that caused both stress and happiness at the same time, which is What if this never ends and leads to a new beginning. And i wanted both stress and happiness.  Sounds strange today but it is true.

This hypothesis got tested almost immediately and jolted me suddenly and i realized what i wanted. I wasnt ready for it to end so soon. And so unconsciously, i strived to avoid its end, I played my best cards and did all I could . Even when the whole ecosystem looked impossible, i got the inevitable to happen. I had made every attempt to protect it, and the results showed. I felt successful at seeing the result. But even then, the most difficult question was still unanswered- will this also end? 

I convinced myself that even if it ended, it shouldn’t bother me much, after all it is the destiny. My destiny. A bonus from the company should never me treated as regular salary.  And this time, i knew the ecosystem wouldnt be there to aid me or defend me or protect me. I am now left to fend for myself all alone. This was the moment where i couldn’t take even one step forward. The same legs that used to leap earlier now dreaded to even take small tiny step. And everyone saw this. But what no one saw was the anger, the sadness, the helplessness, the heart devoid of all the joys. No more fuel left inside to move the bus. So i stayed put , and my wandering mind did the imagination and the consolation.  

Many times i asked myself if this the ending that was supposed to happen or is the actual ending still far away. Then i carefuly analyzed the other ecosystem, on the other side. That one was hyperactive, that had sensed the lack of furl in me and wanted to sieze this opportunity. And then I knew it was pointless to even wait for the ending to actually happen. After all, why do we need an ending. Just assume that this is not your time on the stage. Accept your worst fears now and you will be at peace.

So today i am accepting everything and i am not sure if i will be able to return to my old self. But whatever it is, i am really proud of myself. I scripted my own story, worked from the start and now i have accepted the ending. 

Remember i talked about the permanent damage i  at the beginning. I have changed. I wont be able to return to that person. After all that character has died and the story had already ended long ago. I only pushed and pushed to make it a slow ending.