I knew it had an expiry. In fact that was the beauty, that it wasn’t meant to be permanent. And that was the real charm that there wouldn’t be anything permanent or any irreversible damage. This was meant only to be lived till it lasted. And the obvious ending was known. But deep inside a thought lingered that caused both stress and happiness at the same time, which is What if this never ends and leads to a new beginning. And i wanted both stress and happiness. Sounds strange today but it is true.
This hypothesis got tested almost immediately and jolted me suddenly and i realized what i wanted. I wasnt ready for it to end so soon. And so unconsciously, i strived to avoid its end, I played my best cards and did all I could . Even when the whole ecosystem looked impossible, i got the inevitable to happen. I had made every attempt to protect it, and the results showed. I felt successful at seeing the result. But even then, the most difficult question was still unanswered- will this also end?
I convinced myself that even if it ended, it shouldn’t bother me much, after all it is the destiny. My destiny. A bonus from the company should never me treated as regular salary. And this time, i knew the ecosystem wouldnt be there to aid me or defend me or protect me. I am now left to fend for myself all alone. This was the moment where i couldn’t take even one step forward. The same legs that used to leap earlier now dreaded to even take small tiny step. And everyone saw this. But what no one saw was the anger, the sadness, the helplessness, the heart devoid of all the joys. No more fuel left inside to move the bus. So i stayed put , and my wandering mind did the imagination and the consolation.
Many times i asked myself if this the ending that was supposed to happen or is the actual ending still far away. Then i carefuly analyzed the other ecosystem, on the other side. That one was hyperactive, that had sensed the lack of furl in me and wanted to sieze this opportunity. And then I knew it was pointless to even wait for the ending to actually happen. After all, why do we need an ending. Just assume that this is not your time on the stage. Accept your worst fears now and you will be at peace.
So today i am accepting everything and i am not sure if i will be able to return to my old self. But whatever it is, i am really proud of myself. I scripted my own story, worked from the start and now i have accepted the ending.
Remember i talked about the permanent damage i at the beginning. I have changed. I wont be able to return to that person. After all that character has died and the story had already ended long ago. I only pushed and pushed to make it a slow ending.
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